to let go

Is it normal to feel guilty for spending money? Even though the money itself comes from your hard work?

I've been spending years working and often times, the money will end up for food, electricity, and other daily needs. Sure, I go shopping sometimes, but usually only when I really need new things. It's happened for years, and it becomes natural to let my money go or is  used for things not my own.

A few days ago, I got quite a lot of money. A money that I can use freely. Not for the food, not for the electricity. Mine.

So I ended up buying a few clothes and accessories.

And immediately after that, I felt sick.

What have you done? You shouldn't spent this much only for clothes!

You're spending too much.

This can give you a month's worth of living cost.

This can be used for paying electricity bill.

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You don't have the right to use this money for your own pleasure.

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I am too used being 'the provider' to the point I feel strange to 'provide' myself. Too used to always share everything.

I kept telling myself 'It's okay. You deserved it. After all the things you've done.'

But hell, the guilt keeps haunting me for days after that.

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I read a quote that says 'You need to know how to let go.'

I kept thinking that only applies for the broken-hearted.

Let the feelings go; let your lover go.

Let the guilt go.

For your own sanity.

For your own happiness.

Now I think it also applies to me, too.

For my own happiness.

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Depok, March 2018